its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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