your parents love me but you hate me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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