dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
