If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
