I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
