if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
