did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
