I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
