Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
