I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
