Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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