Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
