3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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