??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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