I'm gonna have a badass scar
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
