There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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