My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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