I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
