My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
