Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
