roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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