that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
