yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
A bitchslap is in order.
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