remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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