remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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