The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
