My sheets look like a crime scene.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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