I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
