I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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