Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
