Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
