i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
