I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
