my mouth tastes like poor choices
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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