If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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