I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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