i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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