His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
