We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
