If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
