I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
