Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up under a house in Key West
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
