just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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