Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
