There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
