i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
