she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
