Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
