i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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