Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
