He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
