If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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